I CAN MOONWALK!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You are the jesus of drinking
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
