I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
