The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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