his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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