Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
