Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize