Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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