I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
this hospital has no fireball
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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