I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
