White coat. Heels.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
