What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
