I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The feeling are messing with the penis
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
