she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
