im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
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