I feel great
I just peed on a car
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
