Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
