saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
