I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
