her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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