i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
