I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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