He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
