i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
