just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Randomize
