If i come over, it means nothing
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
