I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize