idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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