We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
