Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
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