i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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