My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
