Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
