no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
