you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
