One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
