I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
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