Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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