Four minutes until I can fart!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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