just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
