I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
