I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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