porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
