3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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