New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
