i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
