I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize