I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
