I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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