She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
