Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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