At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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