drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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