There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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