Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
