i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
