Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
