oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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