I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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