I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
