I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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