4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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