Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize